So why when she heard the words, “I’m pregnant!” come from her best friend, Rachel’s mouth, did she suddenly feel a stab of longing?

It was simple really.  Her best friend’s announcement came three weeks before Christmas and the “family” season was in full swing.

Jillian made an emergency dash to her freezer for Ben & Jerry as she cradled the phone against her ear while Rachel continued to go on about how she found out she was pregnant and what they were planning on naming the new bundle of joy.

Ice cream always cheers me up, Jillian thought miserably, eyeing the top button of her jeans that pinched her skin–number thirty two on her list of reasons to hate this time of year.  Even her gaily decorated condo did little to lift her glum spirits.  She even put in a Christmas CD earlier just to give the Christmas mood a chance to strike her, but it did little to pep her up - especially after hearing Rachel’s news.

Then there was the guy in the mall who flirted with her, making her temporarily feel like a million bucks.  He was handsome, well dressed and totally interested in her.  But as he gestured with one hand, she caught the flash of gold on his left ring finger and promptly put him in his place.  The jerk.

“Blue Christmas” was playing across her small apartment on her stereo.  Jillian frowned and stabbed the remote in its general direction, not feeling the need to hear Elvis tell her how bad his Christmas would be.  She was already depressed enough as Rachel continued to gab into her ear.  Jillian obediently inserted grunts of acknowledgment when appropriate.  Her attitude made her feel like a bad friend, but she was entitled one selfish day a year and someone decided today was it without running it by Jillian first.

Next from her stereo came  “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

“Oh, brother,” she mouthed, unable to stifle the snort that erupted from her throat.

Skip.

“Silent Night.”  Oh, it was definitely silent in her condo tonight.  Even her kitten, Jazzy, was quietly napping on the ottoman.

Skip.

“Home for the Holidays.”  She’d definitely be home for the holidays...alone.  Bah-humbug.

Skip.

“Where are you Christmas?”  Now there was a song that reached out and grabbed her.  It hadn’t felt like Christmas since she found out Santa wasn’t real at the tender age of eight.  She would have been perfectly happy believing forever if her grade school friend, Erika, hadn’t blown the whistle.  That year and every year afterwards had lost its magic somehow.  Now, with Gamma Nadia gone and her social life non-existent, she didn’t have anyone to help her find the magic anymore.

This was just another Christmas she would spend alone. 

Turning twenty nine made her do a double take of her life.  When her grandmother died earlier this year Jillian was on the verge of getting a huge promotion and a nice office with a view of downtown Atlanta.  But Gamma’s death had turned her world topsy turvy and suddenly everything wasn’t so cut and dried any more.  Someone noticed at her office that her work was no longer early and she wasn’t putting in the overtime she once did.  When her nemesis, Jack Olsen, got the job, she felt oddly detached from the whole situation.

All Jillian could think about was how she hadn’t made the time to visit Gamma before she died.  Sure, they spoke on the phone, but she lost the only constant in her life and Jillian wasn’t sure how to deal with that.

Or maybe it was just feeling she no longer belonged anywhere that really knocked her for a loop.

 You’re gonna get arthritis if you keep holding your pen like that, Gamma would chide over Jillian’s shoulder as her glasses slid down her nose.

Jillian smiled at the sweet memory.

The impatient voice on the other end of the phone interrupted her thoughts.  Putting her ice cream aside, Jillian tried to muster up the happiness her friend needed from her right now. “What was that, Rachel?”

Rachel seemed to sense her mood. “I asked if you’re okay.”

“Fine,” she said, inserting a pathetic amount of false cheer in her voice.

“Tell me what’s going on.  You sound unhappy.”

“No, I’m fine.  I’m really happy for you, Rachel.”  Now, that sounded a bit better.  She was honestly pleased for her.

“Do you need me to come over, Jillian?”  It was just like Rachel to pick up on Jillian’s white lie.

“Why?”

“Because you sound like you could use a shoulder to cry on.”

“For heaven’s sake, no!  This is your day!  Go out and celebrate.” 

Jillian leaned her head back and closed her eyes, stifling a sigh.  She would never admit it, not even to herself but she really did need someone.

“Well, if you’re sure...”

“Positive.”

“Hang in there and if you need anything, please call,” Rachel said.

“I don’t need a thing.  Tell John I said congrats,” she forced herself to say with some enthusiasm.

When Jillian hung up the phone, she finally allowed a single tear to fall, against her better judgment.  How many times had she lost a friend to the pregnancy circle at work?   Now that Rachel was pregnant, she’d gravitate toward the mothers there, seeking advice and exchanging tales of the “firsts” of motherhood.  She and Rachel would drift apart because Jillian couldn’t relate in any way to raising a child, unless babysitting a twelve year old for a weekend in college counted.  She felt so cheated, so...

She didn’t know how she felt.

Jillian had discovered a few years back that both her mother and her grandmother went into early menopause.  With a few specialized tests Jillian found out that she, too, was in the early stages of it.  If she was going to have a family, she had to do it soon.

With no significant other in her life and one night stands out of the question, she asked herself just how did she plan to get this family?

Jillian let out a sound of pure frustration, and Jazzy raised his head.

“It’s not fair, Jazz,” Jillian whispered. “Not fair at all.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am so why am I suddenly so unhappy?  It’s always been enough for me until lately.”

Jazzy yawned.

But, with technology as advanced as it was today, Jillian didn’t feel like she could give up all hope of ever having a family.  She was just feeling a little depressed about the whole situation.  To take her mind off of everything, Jillian leaned forward and picked up a woman’s magazine on her coffee table and flipped through it.  She looked at all the disgustingly thin models and skimmed a few articles that didn’t really hold her attention.  As she flipped another page, the title of the article stopped her.

You Can Have a Baby, Too!  A woman’s tale of how she received the greatest gift of all through intra-uterine insemination.

Jillian read on. The woman became pregnant after two attempts.  The last page of the article showed a picture of the woman and her four year old daughter that she conceived with the help of a sperm donor.

The little girl was beautiful with a shock of brown springy curls and equally brown eyes.  Pudgy arms were wrapped around the woman’s neck and she smiled happily into the camera.

All of Jillian’s life she had wanted to feel like she had a place in life with someone who loved her – not that she would admit that, either.  Looking at the adorable little girl on the page before her, her stomach did a quick flip flop and she knew that having a child was the next thing she had to accomplish in her life.

The woman and child were happy, and Jillian wanted more than anything to feel that.

Looking up from the magazine, she smiled in Jazzy’s general direction and the idea sprouted.

She was going to have a baby.

                    *****

The doctor’s office was warm and friendly.  A large Christmas tree leaned in the corner of the waiting room and a toddler wobbled unsteadily as she reached for a glass ball.  The walls were painted a pretty sage with a floral border that wrapped around the room.  All the chairs were brown leather and a plasma TV screen angled away from the wall broadcasted a local news station.

Jillian forced her shaking fingers away from her teeth, lest her expensive manicure get ruined.  This whole thing was her idea, but there was something so final about being here, only minutes away from possibly becoming pregnant.

“Jillian Scott,” a petite nurse eventually called with a mousy voice from the doorway.

Taking a deep breath Jillian stood and walked toward her, ignoring the feeling that everyone in the waiting room was watching her.

“Hi, Jillian,” she said with an automatic smile. “Please come this way.”  The door closed behind her and they weaved down a corridor to a nurse’s station.  The nurse motioned to the scale. Jillian obediently stepped onto it and grimaced as it dipped under her weight.

A moment later, they walked into a room to the left and the nurse smiled once again. “Dr. Harper is on vacation this week so Dr. Greene will be taking care of the insemination today.  He’ll be in to introduce himself in a moment so you can wait to get undressed.”

“Thank you.”  Looking around, she was faced with only cream colored walls with a generic floral painting hanging a little crooked, a sink with hand sanitizer and a calendar on a small desk area next to the sink.  It was a strictly functional exam room.

So this was it.  In a few moments, she would meet this new doctor and be on her way to becoming pregnant. If Gamma was still alive, she’d be saying, “Jillian, what are you doing!  How are you going to care for a baby with the way you work yourself to death?  How could you choose to have a child alone with a work schedule like yours?”

Well, Gamma, Jillian answered, it’s time I do something for myself.  I’ve always wanted a family and it seems that it’s up to me to get one.  And I’ll be a good mother, I just know it.

Jillian tugged her bottom lip and stared at the plain wall across from her.  Would she be a good mother?  She was beginning to second guess herself, which wasn’t something she normally did.  Once she made a decision, she stuck with it until she saw it through.  She rarely failed.

Her indecision made her hesitate.  She stood and walked to the door.  As she placed her hand on the knob, a soft knock sounded and the door opened.  Jillian would have walked on out had she not been stopped by the most incredible pair of blue eyes.  The eyebrows above those blue eyes rose in question.  Then those eyes looked down as a beautiful, tanned forearm rose to waist level as he eyed his watch.

“I apologize for the wait, Ms. Scott.” He hesitantly grinned, looking oddly nervous.

As her eyes fell downward, Jillian felt a strange awareness in her stomach, almost stabbing in its intensity.  Those lips were so beautiful, quite possibly the best she’d ever seen.  A full bottom lip with a beautifully shaped upper lip that framed perfect straight teeth.

Wow...  She hadn’t been expecting this but it was certainly a pleasant surprise.

“Ms. Scott, I’m Dr. Lance Greene.  How are you doing today?”

“Hi.” She managed a nod as she retreated back into the room and sat down.  The room seemed to be spinning and she didn’t like the feeling.  Taking a deep breath, she watched as he sat down across from her on a swivel stool.  His leg instantly bobbed up and down.

“I’m filling in for Dr. Harper while he’s away on vacation.”  He extended his hand and she took it, noticing it was slightly sweaty and clammy, but firm and masculine.  His hands were perfect, too, with long fingers and square well-kept nails.

She tried hard not to stare into his eyes but something kept drawing her to them.  He was absolutely beautiful.  He couldn’t be more than thirty at best.

“That’s fine,” she responded inanely.  Boy, was she Ms. Sparkling Personality.  Normally it was the men at a loss for words in her company, not the other way around.

“Are you okay?” he asked after studying her for a moment.

She cleared her throat and gave him her best smile. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“Nervous?” He offered a grin.

“Not really.”

 He chuckled as if he didn’t believe her.  “Well, I suppose since this is your first time with me, I’ll let you keep your socks on.”

The unexpected joke made her laugh out loud and just like that the tension in her shoulders was gone and her world righted again.  But now he was looking uneasy.  Jillian got the sudden feeling that there was bad news coming her way.  She sensed that even more when he started making small talk.

“Tell me about yourself, Jillian.”

Forcing a smile, she shrugged. “I’m twenty nine and work for Benjamin and Sons as an editor.”

“Lived here all your life?”

“I was born about two hours north of here.  I moved here when I was twenty...You?”  Maybe turning the tables on him would make him spill whatever bad news he had.  Two could play his game.

“I went to Emory University for my degree.  I’m thirty–one.”

“Wow.  You must have whizzed right through med school to already have your own office,” Jillian mused out loud, not really caring.  Yes, he was attractive, but she was here on a mission.

Dr. Greene’s eyes twinkled with what appeared to be apprehension. “No husband?”

Was he flirting or merely trying to keep the mood light before he dropped the bomb?  Jillian decided he wasn’t flirting when he made a note on her file.  “No.  That’s why I’m using donor sperm.  I don’t want to miss my chance to have a child of my own.”

“It’s still possible for you to have one,” he said softly. “Dr. Harper’s notes here mention your family history of early menopause and your lab work indicates you’re getting close.  There are plenty of ways for you to have as many children as you want.  We can freeze your eggs for later use through in-vitro if the quality is good, or you can use donor eggs or even a surrogate.  There are a lot of options.”

To her horror, Jillian’s eyes filled with tears.  Maybe it was the hormones her body was pumped full of after all the preparation for the insemination.  Or maybe it was the genuine kindness behind the apprehension she saw in this man’s incredible blue eyes.  Whatever it was, it made her reach out and touch his hand.  “Thank you, Dr. Greene.  I haven’t had any encouragement about this, so it means a lot to me to hear you be so sure of my future.”

He stared at her for a long while.  Then he looked down at her fingers hooked over his.  He moved his thumb in lazy circles over the top of her fingers for only a second before clearing his throat and moving his hand away.  Another swell of awareness hit Jillian in the gut and she promptly ignored it.

He asked her a series of questions.  She smiled and answered each one when those blue eyes fell on hers.  Her heart was doing a crazy little rhythm every time he looked at her.  She was supposed to spread her legs for this guy?  There was nothing clinical about the sexuality that emanated from him or the thoughts she was having about that table-and him on it.  She shook away the images that kept finding a way to the surface.

“And you did your trigger shot last night?” His eyes strayed from her to his file as if he, too, were having trouble concentrating.

“Yes, around seven-thirty.”

He continued reciting what had to be a rehearsed warning to her about her risk for multiples.

“With early menopause on the horizon, I need a high yield pregnancy, Doctor.”

He laughed but instantly sobered.  Silence fell and he looked at his hands.  She could tell he had bad news, and she knew it was coming now.  Whatever he’d been stalling for was about to rear its ugly head.  All doctors got that look on their face before telling someone bad news.  Jillian suspected they had a class specifically for that.  It angered Jillian that it had to be so perfunctory.  He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.  He took deep breaths as though calming himself then looked up at her.  His forehead wrinkled above those blue eyes Jillian was convinced she couldn’t get enough of.

His shoulders looked tense and Jillian insanely wished she could give him a massage.  He looked stressed and tired.

“There was an error in procedures here, Ms. Scott.  My office failed to order the sperm for you today.”

“That’s okay.” She smiled understandingly. “I can wait.”

But he was already shaking his head.  “It’s not that simple.  The sperm bank we use requires a longer notice.  I called them to see if they would make an exception, but they wouldn’t so it’s too late to get it for you this cycle.”

Dumbfounded, Jillian just stared.  “But Dr. Harper said that each month could be my last.  You said yourself my blood work showed I was on the edge of…”

”I’m so sorry, Ms. Scott.  We can certainly give this a try again next month.”

Her heart rate kicked up a notch, and she sat forward.  Despite her earlier resignation to think this through a little more, she wasn’t ok with this doctor making up her mind for her.  No one ever did that. “Did you tell them that it doesn’t matter who they choose as long as he’s healthy?  I’m not picky, Dr. Greene.”

She watched as he closed his eyes for a moment and exhaled. “I tried everything to get them to make an exception but they wouldn’t.”

“What about another clinic?  This could be my last chance.”

Dr. Greene moved to her side, crouching down and placing his warm hand over her own.  The comfort of his touch was welcomed, but it only made her heart rate worse.  “There are other ways, just like I mentioned earlier.  This doesn’t have to be your last chance.”

“What if it is?” she insisted, her voice raising a notch.

“Then you can start looking into the other options I’ve mentioned.  There are support groups with members who have the same problem you have, Ms. Scott, and I’d be happy to recommend one.”

Unable to look into his eyes anymore, she stood and paced in the small room.  Why her?  Why did the screw-up have to be with her?  Why couldn’t it have been with the person sitting in the next room?  Why did all of her friends get to have all the fun while everything in her life seemed to go so wrong lately?  Anger swelled inside of her and she spun around to stare at Dr. Greene.  He was the enemy here, after all, coming in and making her think explicit things about him just to distract her.  No doubt, he was well aware of his good looks and used them to his advantage when his incompetent staff erred in procedure, which was probably way more frequent than she wanted to know.

“I don’t want to adopt unless I have to.  And I don’t want a surrogate carrying my baby.  I want you to find a way to get the sperm I need to be inseminated today.  If you don’t, I’ll sue you for negligence and malpractice.”  She lifted her chin to look at him, letting him see how determined and angry she was.

“My office is prepared to compensate you for any money you’ve paid for this cycle.  I know these treatments are expensive.”

“Dr. Greene,” Jillian said with more certainty. “The money isn’t an issue.  My child is.   A child that might never be born if I screw around and wait for your office to get its act together.  Find a way to get me pregnant.  Today,” Jillian snapped.

“I’m afraid that just isn’t possible, Ms -”

        She stood, trying to look as menacing as possible.  “Do you know who I work for Dr. Greene?  I work for the biggest editor in town and have many connections to well-known writers.  How do you think business would be if an article suddenly appeared in the Atlanta Journal about what an incompetent doctor you are?  You wouldn’t have enough money to put gas in that sweet little convertible I saw parked out front.”  She reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone.  “You’d be broke in no time flat with one call on this trusty little cell phone of mine.” 

        Jillian stared at Dr. Greene until he looked away from her for a moment.

When he looked back, he nodded his understanding with resignation before taking one last deep breath and pushing himself up.  “There’s one other thing I can try,” he said softly over his shoulder.

He was out the door before she could even ask what it was.

Half an hour later she walked into the waning sunlight of the evening and smiled.  Whatever Dr. Lance Greene did, he was a miracle-worker.  The clinic apparently sent over some sperm immediately when they normally wouldn’t.  Even though she was nervous and had threatened things she hadn’t really meant, she’d barely heard a word he said about the insemination after he’d told her he’d found a way to get the sperm.  The procedure itself hadn’t felt like anything more than a tiny pinch and light cramping as he’d inserted a catheter directly into her uterus.  But then again, he could have told her he was really Dr. Kavorkian and she would have spread her legs on command as long as she could look into those eyes.

What was wrong with her?  Even his smile made her heart race.

And his...well, the view of his backside as he’d led the way out of the room had pretty much made her pregnant right then and there.

He was the finest specimen of male she’d ever laid eyes on.  She hadn’t exactly tried to hide her fascination with him, even after she’d threatened his livelihood.  But for the record, he knew now she was all business.

Just as she was about to open her car door, a sudden breeze blew her hair around her neck and she shivered, realizing she’d left her jacket inside.

She turned to go back inside but the sight of Lance walking toward her stopped her short.  He was like a slow-motion scene in a movie coming toward her -- with her jacket in his hand.

Dear heavens, how on earth was she going to talk to him again while she was – what the?  Was she literally salivating?

She saw his smile a good twenty feet away as he approached.  He held up her jacket as if to explain why he was coming her way.

“You left this inside,” he called.  The wind lifted his mahogany hair from his forehead and he squinted against the chill.

“Thanks, I just realized I forgot it.”

He got closer.  The sunset made his eyes twinkle.  Had she ever seen eyes that twinkled that way?

“Better put it on, the temperature is already dropping.  Gotta take care of yourself now.” Lance finally reached her.  His skin glowed in the pink sunset.  A muscle ticked languidly in his jaw, and he smiled.

“Th-thank you.” She shivered and huffed a laugh at herself, looking at her feet in embarrassment. “I appreciate your willingness to deal with the situation, Dr. Greene.”

When he didn’t say anything, she raised her eyes to his.  She watched, amazed, as he held open her jacket for her.  Did men really still do that?   If she hadn’t been so in tune to every thing he did, she wouldn’t have heard the soft, slow intake of his breath when her hair whipped behind her as she turned to put the jacket on.  And as she slipped her arms through the sleeves, he shifted toward her slightly, just so her shoulder brushed his hard chest, and exhaled slowly.

She looked over her shoulder and into his smile.  Desire had darkened his eyes.

But when he blinked it was gone and he was stepping away.

“Have a nice evening, Ms. Scott.”

Jillian felt the chill much more than she wanted to as he walked away. She turned fully to face him.

“Dr. Greene?”

“Yes?”

There wasn’t a logical reason she’d called out to him, except to see his eyes one last time before she left.

She smiled at him and blinked slowly. “Thanks...for the jacket I mean.”

He nodded once, pressing his lips together in a smile and toying with the end of his stethoscope.

And then he was gone.